Amy Schumer Needs to Take Several Seats

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     Honestly, I've been waiting for a reason to share my opinions on Amy Beth Schumer, and finally, the good Lord gave me one. Won't he do it, y'all?

     According to an article posted yesterday by Variety, Amy Schumer felt entitled to renegotiate her contract with Netflix concerning her special entitled "The Leather Special," after learning what Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle made for their respective filmed sets. According to the article, Schumer was paid $11 million while the two men each made $20 million for their routines. It has not been disclosed how much more money Schumer received after making her demands, but it has been confirmed that she was given a noteworthy amount.

     Now I, for one, am here and present for smashing the glass ceiling.

     But I really hate this bitch, so let's go:

     Excuse me?

     Amy Beth, are you Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle funny? Are you making Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle money? Do you have Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle followings? Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle experience? Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle exposure?

     You don't have to answer because I already know the answer is no.

     This is not the first instance of Amy Beth stepping way out of line, thinking she's far more famous than she really is. In 2015, there was an altercation at an Upper West Side Equinox, where Schumer breezed in and refused to show her membership — a standard procedure at this particular gym. When staffers did not recognize her (because she looks like every other Betty and Veronica trying to get their Monday Gym and Tonic on) and encouraged her to follow the check-in procedure, she hit them back with an "I'm famous."

     Clearly, not famous enough.

     It doesn't matter that Chappelle is a more seasoned comedian or that Rock has literally been doing stand-up since Schumer was three — even when we stop comparing comedians, Schumer's work doesn't deserve a pay raise.

     For starters, half her shit is stolen. If anyone deserves some extra financial cushion, it's all the artists she's blatantly plagiarized work from. Schumer has been called out by comedians Wendy Liebman, Kathleen Madigan, and Tammy Pescatelli for poaching their work in her stand-up. There are several compilation videos comparing Schumer's work side-by-side with jokes she's allegedly stolen. Victims of Schumer's joke theft include Daniel Tosh, John Mulaney, Patrice O'Neal, and Dave Chappelle — just to name a few.

     Secondly, Schumer is unapologetically racist in her stand-up. From calling Latina women crazy to implying that all Hispanic men are rapists, Schumer has been profiting off of jokes that, when the laugh track is removed, sound awfully reminiscent of a certain man in office. When criticized for her use of racism in her sets, she took the defensive, stating: “Playing with race is a thing we are not supposed to do, which is what makes it so fun for comics,” she said. “You can call it a ‘blind spot for racism’ or ‘lazy’ but you are wrong. It is a joke and it is funny. I know because people laugh at it.”

     So, no apologies there for using her white woman privilege to only further perpetuate damaging stereotypes of People of Color.

     Speaking of her privilege, did I mention that Amy Schumer is a self-admitted rapist?

     In 2014, Schumer gave a speech at the Gloria Awards and Gala about "confidence" and "body-image." In this speech is a little anecdote she tells about raping a man in college. She describes being sober and having sex with a man that is clearly intoxicated, so much so that he can't maintain an erection and repeatedly falls asleep during the act.

     Of course, Schumer never calls the encounter a rape. She uses the story as a source of comedy and spiritual awakening on her journey to self-love and acceptance. And because she is a white woman, many people never think of it as anything more than that. But this is a story of rape, and if, I don't know, a black man had told the same story with the roles reversed, the torches would have lit themselves.

     No, Amy Beth, you do not get what Chris Rock gets. You do not get what Dave Chappelle gets. The fact that Netflix even entertained your demand and gave you any sort of raise, when these comedians have been in the game for over thirty years compared to your thirteen, is a prime example of your privilege and sway as a white woman. Maybe, if you had put in half as much work as the people you're trying to compare yourself to, I would be on your side. However, with a history riddled with stolen material, racism, and rape, I cannot support your reach for more money. What I can support you doing, though, is taking your lil' money to IKEA and buying yourself a MELLBY armchair. Buy several. In fact, why don't you buy out the whole stock? I checked; there's an IKEA in Brooklyn — the chairs are in aisle 24, bin 31. They have at least seven in stock and you can buy them all, because you need to take several seats.

     Seriously, sit your ass down.

     Amy Schumer getting a raise for her "work" is not a smashing of the glass ceiling — if anything, it's a firm reminder that it exists and that white women are benefiting from it the most, second only to their white, male counterparts.

     And that's the nice version of what I have to say about her.